Open Letter to BlackBerry Messenger - He's Just Not That Into Me

Dearest BBM,

It's time we had a talk.

I know you're just acting out. I know you see my relationship with SMS and
email. I know you're jealous. I know you're hurting. But they're just
friends - I swear. It's just work messages! They'll never mean as much to
me as you do. So let's talk about why you keep toying with my heart.

You've currently listed all of my contacts as "unavailable." Not even
funny. You say you had nothing to do with this. But I'm not the
unreasonable sort. I realize I'm a handful but for all 50 or so contacts to
realize that and be "unavailable" to my shenanigans at the same time? Crazy
talk. For funsies, I added myself from my work BB and lo and behold, I'm
unavailable... to myself. That's thousands of therapy dollars right there,
BBM. I hope you're happy.

Undaunted, I scrolled around to see what other sort of nonsense you're up
to. And you never disappoint, do you? Hark, there's the same ten "Pending
Contacts" - still pending authorization, still pending unavailibility since
Tour has come into my life. It's your word against theirs but they maintain
that they never received a request. Don't worry, baby. I know that this is
simply not true. Why would you waste an opportunity for ten addition
contacts to be unavailable to me?

Let's talk about the time you deleted all of my contacts. Really, BBSadist?
Really? As much as I loved your "if I can't have you, no one can" tantrum,
I'm not going to lie... I wanted to strangle that BlackBerry symbol right
off of your smirky thought bubble. Sometimes I think you're woman because
only a woman think about doing something so deliciously treacherous as to
wipe my contact list. I'm plotting revenge but seriously? What am I going
to do to you? Ping you to death? Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Douchenugget.

After that episode, I even thought about going to father Balsillie but his
hands are pretty full with another Canada-hater in Bettman. Doesn't matter
anyway, because what was the next thing that you did? Oh yes, you pulled
the ol' MIA. You deleted yourself from my phone. You ran away and I was
left with a sleepless night wondering where did you spend the night? Who's
messages did you find comfort in? WHO DID YOU PING TO DEATH? Oh RIM, it
hurts.

Now, let's talk about your needless attention ***** tendancies. You know,
the one where you perpetually have a little bubble saying "2 new messages"
when you and I both know there isn't one. Remember? Unavailable contacts!
You can't even keep up with your own tactics.

I hate that I love you, BBM. I hate that you know I'll never leave you for
that **** SMS. And even though email's always trying to get his spam in my
box... er, nevermind. You're jealous enough.

Forever yours,